I said: third time's the charm and swallowed a razor. I was scared
to lie down because it might not go down, slide down, stream down
I sat on a wall and cried into the sea into the blue into ships
into three islands
I sat on a large sun-broken stone
still warm when night falls
walls are as tall as I am, only a head short
so when I sit I cannot see anything but the sky
then I feel as if I were in a pool
without water.
I sat in an anthill and spoke on the phone as if I were talking to myself
or I was talking to myself as if I spoke on the phone.
I sat on the beach stranded and forgave everything
(I wanted to lay in a boat and rock like in a cradle)
so much blueness made me forget my sunglasses and my new perspective
I had wine stains under my nails and could not remember when it was that I hurt you.
I sat on a blue chair until my petty petit cyberheart broke
so I became childish and ran away from home
(it is hard to find a forest in a city
even if you do, it is always a step, two, a hundred
too short)
I sat on the bath tub and gently asked it to sail
when we did not move, I realised that nothing is in my power
to change. I can only give up. so I lied down
in bed.
just as I feared,
the razor got stuck in my throat.
rekla sam: treća sreća i progutala žilet. bojala sam se
leći jer onda ne bi mogao proći nizbrdo, nizgrlo, nizvodno
sjedila sam na zidu i plakala u more u plavo u brodove
u tri otoka
sjedila sam na velikoj kamenoj ploči koju je raspuklo sunce
i koja je mlaka kad padne mrak
zidovi su visoki točno kao ja, samo bez glave
pa kad sjedim ne vidim ništa osim neba
tada mi se pričinja da sam u bazenu
bez vode.
sjedila sam u mravinjaku i govorila u slušalicu kao da govorim sama sebi
ili sam govorila sama sebi kao da govorim u slušalicu.
sjedila sam na obali nasukana i opraštala sve
(htjela sam leći u brod i ljuljati se kao u kolijevci)
od toliko modrine zaboravila sam naočale i svoj novi pogled
imala sam mrlje od vina pod noktima i nisam se mogla sjetiti kada sam te ozlijedila.
sjedila sam na plavoj stolici dok mi nije prepuklo ovo sitno sitničavo cyber-srce
pa sam podjetinjila i pobjegla od kuće
(teško ćeš naći šumu u gradu
a i ako je nađeš, uvijek je za korak, dva, stotinu
prekratka)
sjela sam na rub kade i nježno je zamolila da zaplovi
kada se nismo pomaknule, shvatila sam da ništa nije na meni da
promijenim. mogu samo odustati. onda sam legla
u krevet.
upravo kako sam i strahovala,
žilet mi je stao u grlu.
